Money is given staggering amount of control over our lives. We feel vulnerable without enough, ashamed when spending too much, and clueless about how to manage it. However talented, educated, creative, or skilled we may be, we can feel as though we’re not earning what we should be. This only gets worse in relationships, as often “my” money becomes “ours.” One’s problem is now two’s.
Here’s an overview of the underlying causes for these feelings and how to deal with them.
Problem: Emotional Spending
You’ve heard of “emotional eaters,” but probably not “emotional spenders.” Emotional spending is another way for some of us to attempt to soothe frustration, loneliness, and the nagging void of love’s absence.
Solution to Emotional Spending
When you feel an impulse to buy something you don’t need, stop and take a few deep breaths. Your consumption compulsion may be rooted in a different desire entirely, so stop and ask yourself what you really want. Write down the first thing that springs to mind and assess the obstacles keeping you from getting it. Make a list of things you need to do and people you need to talk to—ideally good, compassionate listeners— in order to get what you really want.
Delaying the decision to purchase something until after having done something nurturing for yourself helps you think more clearly.
Problem: Limiting Beliefs About Money
Limiting beliefs stem from parental, cultural, and religious background. You may have internalized your family’s beliefs and attitudes about money without even having an explicit grasp on what they are. These attitudes range from anxiety, sadness, and fear over not having enough to guilt over having more than others. Some common limiting beliefs are:
- I’m greedy if I want a lot of money.
- Money is the root of all evil.
- Scarcity is real.
- I don’t have the power or ability to make the money I need or deserve.
Solution to Limiting Beliefs About Money
Here’s how to identify and let go of your limiting beliefs.
- Schedule quiet, uninterrupted time by yourself.
- List all of your limiting beliefs—even the silly ones.
- Compare those limiting beliefs to those of your parents.
- Next to each of those beliefs, write a positive affirmation to undo it. For example, if you believe “I can never make enough money,” write “I am making enough money.”
- Develop an actionable plan to make your affirmation true. Having an accountability partner to report to can help you brainstorm and stay on track.
Problem: Money Will Kill Your Relationship (If You Let It)
Money is like sex: it’s hard to talk about, makes everyone vulnerable, and gets associated with deep shame. However, unlike sex, money is the number one cause of divorce in the U.S.. You read that correctly: money ends more relationships than sex.
Money symbolizes power and control in relationships. It also exposes the boundaries of trust in a relationship, whether it’s faith in a partner’s decision-making or in their openness and honesty about their income and savings.
Differing limiting beliefs can cause clashes with your partner. Consider what happens when “My money is an indicator of my value as a person” marries “Money is the root of all evil…” Not pretty.
It doesn’t even take two to tango; emotional buyers can single-handedly wreck relationships with reckless spending ending in financial suicide.
Solution to Money’s War On Love
Examine your feelings, opinions and thoughts about money in your relationship. Find the roots of your limiting beliefs about money, and those of your partner, to establish a firm foundation for communication. Here’s how to work through those beliefs together:
- Schedule a conversation with your significant other and discuss each other’s concerns regarding money in your relationship.
- Assess your trust in each other regarding money management. Transparently explore what you do and don’t trust each other with. E.g., overspending on one of the kids, or impulse buying when emotionally distressed.
- Develop a plan meeting both of your needs. It may include a pre or post-nuptial agreement, a retirement plan, or addressing how to introduce financial responsibility to your children.
- If you are remarried with children from different relationships, be sensitive, especially if there are significant differences in your individual assets.
Closing Thoughts
Money is scary, but try to keep it in perspective.
Emotional spending can lead us to ruin, but taking time to assess what we really need can keep us from buying stuff we don’t really even want. Limiting beliefs can keep us from flourishing, but freeing ourselves from a legacy of misguided attitudes about money can let us realize our potential. Money kills relationships like flies, but exploring financial boundaries with our partners can help us tell Death, “Not today,” one more time.
Bright financial futures are just over the horizon. You can get there, but the path is neither short, nor easy, so watch your step.